Some People Are Just Better Than You.

I know if she read this she'd probably flip me double birds and call me a hater but I can't keep my mouth shut on this anymore. I really can't. It might be old news to you but this little rotund chocolate orange has held my attention for the last few months and I'm not letting go.

Cheetah print and lace. She wins.

Meet Snooki! She's the eloquent, caring soul that got the bejesus smacked out of her for talking to a guy while carelessly throwing around her index finger and donning the most offensive looking trucker hat I've ever seen. I think violence is terrible, especially against women and I wouldn't support it in a hundred years - thankfully this wasn't the case.

Life Lesson:

When a creature that looks like it just jumped out of the film Willow becomes aggressive towards you, sometimes it's best to just throw some fists. Mythical creatures go down pretty fast and you don't have to worry about killing them - these kind always come back.

Nobody worry. The guy got fired from his teaching position for knocking down the Ed Hardy adorned tree troll and Snooki is as famous as ever.

I hope it was worth it dude! Losing your job just so you could give into what was probably the most satisfying moment of your entire life.

I bet if he could have expressed his feelings at that exact moment in colors he would have shot crystal prisms out of every pore in his body.

They took the guy to jail immediately but this is probably what awaited him at the station:

Violence is bad.

Snooki quotes are good.

I took the time to contribute a hit to her website and found this little gem:

My hobbies are shopping, tanning, and looking good.

Hobbies are meant to bring joy and fulfillment to a person's life. Setting aside extra time in your daily routine so UV bulbs or sunshine rays can bounce off your skin is not a hobby.

I came home when they were putting in the lobsters, I was like yo, are those real? That's disgusting, I'm a vet tech, Like, I save animals, I don't kill them. That's why I don't eat lobster or anything like that cause they're alive when you kill it.

No comment, that's just a flawless quote.

My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey. find a nice juiced hot tanned guy and live my life.

^She is paid thousands of dollars to show up at clubs and get drunk. I'm currently fighting with my payroll department at work so I can get paid properly for over time.

This is all very frustrating. I speak in complete sentences, graduated from a good school with respectable grades and most importantly - I know when to clam it up so guys don't have to go through the trouble of punching me in the face.

Where are my money bags?

Luxury may be an illusion but this bitch is still very real.

Tastes Like The Heart Of America! I'll Take 6!!

Disappointment in American culture is running me over like a damn garbage truck on fire.

When I stomp my way to the top leadership position in this country I will be taking away the following rights:

The right to blare your ipod so loud that I'm forced to listen to your shitty music.

The right to use those ridiculous super humongous $800 Bugaboo strollers to cart around your kid.

The right to watch VH1 reality shows - honestly - that shit is ruining your potential.

The right to eat heart-clogging, crap-hybrid foods. Please see below.

Taken from an article I stumbled upon the other day. It's a solid gold piece for a blog entry. Solid, fatty, salty, fried gold. Unusual Fair Food.

Let me walk you through this monstrosity of reprehensible cuisine:

Chicken-Fried Bacon

Remember the good old days? When chewing on one animal at a time was enough for anyone's meal? Not anymore! All I can think of when I see this is Water Retention. I can't even imagine the amount of sodium in those little fried floozies.

Fried Coca Cola

I get really excited when science is defied by certain food formulations.

"Abel Gonzalez Jr. won Most Creative for this concoction at the 2006 State Fair of Texas"

Well done. Hope that cash prize was a good one. That semester at Junior college ain't gonna pay for itself.

Fried Frog Legs

Woah! Things just went from classy to super snazzy.
Frog Legs - not just for rich people anymore.

Deep-Fried Twinkies

Honestly - can we just make the symbol of our nation a giant deep fryer? It's obviously done more for us than that stupid Bald Eagle has.

Key Lime Pie on-a-stick

Geriatrics all over Florida are doing their happy dance. It's key lime pie dipped in chocolate. Fine. I'll allow it.

This one is really difficult for me to say with out giggling a bit:
Hot Beef Sundae

Now I hate to be unladylike but a "hot beef sundae" sounds like a sexual act that a drunken frat boy would commit on his girlfriend. I'm not quite sure what the act entails - but give me a few minutes. I'm sure I can come up with something good.

Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich

Oh. Come. The. Fuck. On.
How can you....why would you even.....who would ever...I can't even start to....I can't. I'm just too upset. I'm not dealing with this.

America: Simply Delicious.
Health Insurance Reform has never looked so tempting.

When Sloth & Slug Unite......

I'm a lazy writer with a crap work ethic

I'll be updating in the next couple of days.  

Thanks for all of your emails! ....even the ones where you guys called me an asshole for not updating.  I've been busy like a bee!  

England. Making Me Proud To Be A Pseudo-American Since....Since America Started. I Guess They Were Around First.

This entry is just going to write itself. Click below for the original Telegraph article.
"Traditional British Eel, Pie, & Mash shop is under threat because of dwindling supplies of the fish".

Ahhh yes I forgot, Britain's pressing Eel shortage. Well that's terrible news for my palate. Seems to be bad news for the unfortunate looking creatures as well. Poor little guys.

I'm as cute as I taste. I promise.

Perhaps this meal is under threat because the British population realized that eel is disgusting. When did a fish that looks like it's under the constant thread of being possesed by the devil become considered a delicacy?

Delicacy as mentioned:

Alright. Who sneezed on my veggie burger n' potatoes?

The article continues to give the reader a colorful description of the dish's future:

"Jellied eels could soon join the ranks of haslet, stotty cake, and bara birth as a dish that is only found in rare pockets of Britain"

A. It's imperative that I know the contents of anything entitled "Stotty Cake" and "Bara Birth" immediately.
B. That list of vile concoctions needs to stay in those little rare pockets of Britain. We may have adopted your language guys, but you make sure to keep that cuisine on your side of the pond.

Not to stray from their traditional English style - the article starts to condescend a bit to the reader when describing the eel meal:

"....Jellied Eels, an acquired taste..."

Great, thanks - that gives me enough to work with.

I love it: An acquired taste. It's Jellied Eel. The stuff is going to taste like total garbage whether I'm eating it for the 67th time or the first. Don't pull your snobbery on me. You're serving an eel, on a plate, to your customers.
It's a slimy eel that you've jellied.
You've managed to double slime an eel.

YOU LOSE.

This recipe definitely tampers with your overall goal of kitchen sophistication don't you think? You guys really should have just stopped at tea n' crumpets.

To be fair, this eel shortage seems serious and is starting to hinder family businesses:

Jeff Goddard, whose family opened their eel, pie and mash shop in Deptford, south London in 1890, said: "Eels have been part of Britain's history for two or three hundred years and it would be sad if they were to die out and no-one gets to try a real British experience."

Don't worry about me Jeff. Russell Brand was in town not too long ago. The women of other nations are sure to get their British experiences granted eventually.

OMG! TXT ME!

Issue at hand:
The text message and it's enemies.

Beep Beep.

I don't understand the people who are angry with the idea of the text message. It's the perfect way to efficiently communicate with others. I always love it when I'm talking to someone and they pounce all over the texting system:

"I don't text - I prefer to communicate with people like an actual human being"

Yea, I'm sure they really look forward to your phonecalls. I bet they love the constant sound of that holier than thou voice of yours, you unfriendly condescending prick.

Now I'm not talking about the assfaces that use texting to break up with someone or even stab someone over it: Read it here. But if I want to tell the lucky guy that happens to be spending the night with me what kind of Ben & Jerry's to bring over - then you can bet I'm doing it via text.

"Need pint of B&J's Americone Dream + Lifestyles, ribbed"

Now before I make my closing statements I'll give the people who hate this technology a break:

Just recently 13 year old Morgan Pozgar won $25K by completely dominating the national text messaging competition last year. I know, I know, kind of puts my argument in massive flex.

"I am so shocked right now. I send over 4,000 texts every month and can't believe that I actually won the whole competition," said Pozgar in a statement. "Now I want to go shopping."

Four thousand texts a month? Good thing mini homeslice is getting money to use for college now because I'm going to bet some duckets that this girl isn't in the running for many academic scholarships. Put the phone down Morgan - get your homework done and reach your potential.

I once won $100 for college in a toddler photo contest @ K-Mart.

Suck it Pozgar. My adorable mug brings in the dough. Face beats thumbs.

Overall texting is a great idea. Who doesn't like getting a sweet little thinking of you text? or pulling the ultimate "can't call you, busy - talk to you tomorrow" blow off text? It's genius and makes all of our lives more simple.

I even got my mother on board with this texting business, though I somewhat regret it. She's recently discovered picture texting so whenever I send the lovely woman flowers I get a detailed hour-to-hour text on their progress via pictures. I have a respectable Blackberry phone, but one recent bouquet that I sent out has cost me the need for an additional memory card.

"Yes mom - the flowers look much better from photo texts 8, 9, & 10."

Don't hate on the text, it's an infamous tool that keeps us from actually having to look/speak to one another. The world will be a better place.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Happy National Donut Day!

Today our nation honors this little rotund perfection of a snack:
The Donut

Loved by many, the donut has been around since the late 1800's and has been contributing to the obesity epidemic ever since. So worth it.

I was appaled to realize how much I didn't know about this crazy desert until I was told that today is the donut's holy day. So my research instincts and skills kicked in and I wikipedia'd this bitch.

I didn't like what I found. Turns out the Dutch are behind it. Even though it's known as an American creation, it's been said that the Dutch introduced it here in the States some time ago. Sons of bitches, they can't just let us have this? But let's not let our disdain for the filthy and catastrophic race, that is the Dutch, to get in our way of the greatest confection of all time.

Thank you Dunkin' Donuts for keeping these little guys beautifully decorated with frosting and sugars

^Completely gratuitous? Yes. Completely necessary? Ohhhh yea.

Thank you Tim Hortons for being the Canadian version of Dunkin' Donuts and trying your hardest to keep up with American standards.
TIMBITS!

Thank you Krispy Kreme for inventing a neon sign called the Hot Light that alerts chunkies everywhere that new donuts have been born.

Thank you Starbucks for minding your own damn business and keeping your greedy grubby mits off the donut industry and serving bullshit $7 scones instead. I know you actually do serve donuts but this is what they always look like when I go in there:

^Actual picture of Starbucks "donut"

This is not a donut. This is a glazed pastry that has had the unfortunate luck of getting lung cancer. I will not recognize that as a legit donut.

Happy Donut Day Everyone!

Water Is Boring, And That Simply Won't Do.

Water.
The most abundant resource on our planet, a basic essential for the survival of all life forms.....
....and the human race has been able to market it in some of the most embarassing ways possible.

Attention mathletes. LG has a little chemistry equation for you.

Bottle design x H2O^2 x 2.3 mol {ignorance}/yearly salary = directly proportional to:

How big of a douchebag you are.

I was a whizz at Orgo Chem in college so I took the time to illustrate the actual molecular composition of the aromatic compound:

Pretention

Water has done nothing wrong and it doesn't deserve the packaging it's being forced into these days. It's almost as if the more uncomfortable the bottle is to hold, the better it will sell. I'll start with the jerks that started it all.

Thank Fiji - You've changed the standard and managed to make anyone who has the audacity to purchase Poland Springs look like a peasant. This new bottle will go over really well with all the SQUARE SHAPED CUP HOLDERS my car maintains.

This next one is a head shaker:

Voss:

This one looks ok at first, until you realize the fucking thing is made out of glass, is 16 inches tall and weighs about 4lbs. I actually used to purchase this in college with a friend of mine. They cost about $5 a pop and we called it our "princess water".

Sometimes you need a good punch in the face to bring you back to reality.

....Damn I miss my ex.

This next one is fun. Though I don't know which is more strange - the packaging or the weird advertising.

FRED Water

I'm not entirely sure what the message is.

Probably that if you're a big enough tool you might catch yourself birthing a Fred Water. Either that or it's the illustration of some chick getting brought back down to reality by her Ex for purchasing $7 water. As mentioned above.

I would stay away from this brand of H2O - it won't fit in any cup holder you own, it looks like you're carrying around a bottle of booze and it might cause you to become this guy:

"It's cool because it's shaped funny! lol"

C'mon people. Pull your head out of your ass. 10-1 you drank out of the hose when you were a kid anyway. Bottles that hold your water don't matter.

Best Idea.....EVER.

It's a window for your dog to look through, so he can see what's on the other side of the fence.


It costs $30 and about $2,476 to rip down the original fencing you had so you can now incorporate the new doggy window. Spectacular.

A. Your dog should be minding his own goddamn business. I don't need some rat faced bull terrior peeping me out when I'm doing yard work.
B. This is the fastest way to ensure your dog breaks his snout wide open from going ballistic when he sees that family of geese waddling around in the next yard.

A+ for their marketing department. See description below:

Every dog should have a point of view. Help satisfy your dog companion's curiosity and make it possible for her or him to have a peek!

Yea. Now you can piss off your neighbors to no end as your dog screams, barks, and hollers at every single thing that passes by. When they call the cops on you because of your damn dog you can just explain to them that you were pandering to your baby's curiosity.

I've got an invention myself. It's to accompany this masterful creation:

Doggy Window Curtain!

To satisfy the privacy needs of everyone else.

Who Is Responsible For Letting This Happen?

Somewhere out there Britney Spears is doing her happy dance.

Giant Cheetos

Really?
We're going to go through with this?
We're actually going to let this happen?

Awesome. I'll start packing my bags now.

Get me out of this flipping country.

--Not to mention --
This is going to completely destroy the grand American tradition of trying to shove as many regular sized Cheeto puffs into your gob as humanly possible. Popping 3 of these suckers into your mouth at one time doesn't seem nearly as impressive.

It Puts The Pasta In The Bread Bowl Or Else It Gets The Hose Again.

Hey America! Get it while it's hot.

It's Spring here in New York City - and I thought I would commemorate the occasion by taking a stroll through Central Park this morning. I'm glad I did because as a result I happened to stumble upon this monstrosity of a new American tradition:

Dominos Bread Bowl Pasta!!!
Click to view their menu.

The Italians are behind this one. I know it.

While walking past the Dominos on 3rd ave this morning I was dumbfounded by the advertisement they had for this locked and loaded carbohydrate concoction. It's almost as if the CEO's of the Dominos corporation sat around a conference table and tried to brainstorm the worst possible food combination for consumption.


Maybe this isn't such a terrible idea. For years I've been sitting at my dinner table, frustrated by my boring loaf of bread staring me in the face. Surely bread isn't meant to live alone. Fools the world over have tried to come up with ideas to make bread more fun: Olive oil with pepper, butter, diced tomatoes. What has this lonely loaf been missing out on?

Oh, that's right:

An extra 7500 calories worth of cheesy pasta launched on top of it.

Yatzi.

Now I can't be too hard on Dominos or any of the other major fast food corporations. I'm a total closet fatty. My body wants to be large and I have the appetite of a hyperactive premenstrual rhinoceros. Every day is a battle for me.

^My friend Kerry managed to take a snapshot of me when they announced the $5 foot long special from Subway.
...so I have to admit that when faced with the options of Mac n' Cheese or Chicken Alfredo in a bread bowl I initially didn't blow a gasket right there on the sidewalk. I popped my emotions in my pocket and thought about blogging them out later.

You're welcome.

I'm not even going to blame the American public anymore for being overweight. The odds are completely stacked against us and with the best marketing minds in the world working for fast food chains we can hardly be held responsible.

^ It's not his fault.
I say we just give in and let the delivery man cater to our every gluttonous whim. I'll start being cautious about my weight when the insurance companies catch on and start effing me over on medical care costs because I'm the size of a truck.

Hey Blue Cross Blue Shield!

Britain's Latest Invention To Please It's Ladies: Clear Beer.

All those proud to be an American. Say "I"

When everyone lets you down there's no need to panic: The Daily Star will be there

Headline reads:

Britain's first clear beer is being launched for drinkers who hate brown ale and foamy heads.

Click to read

*tisk tisk* Britain. I thought you guys had a low tolerance for sissy issues like this.

Apparently women across the pond can't hold their own when it comes to this silly little wheat treat. A study shows that it's due to the fact that

A. It's a man's drink

B. The opaque color turns them off.

I did a study of my own and found that it's really due to the fact that

A. Beer is disgusting

B. It's news to me if certain fluids are being neglected for consumption by women simply due to opaqueness.

Read statement B over again if you have to.

There ya go.

They also found that girls being complete morons may also have something to do with it:

"And a third opt for drinks that are served in attractive glasses, have the right image or are popular with their friends"

Que the eye-roll

If you happen to be a female, over the age of 22 and live in Manhattan - don't even think about ordering a Cosmopolitan. You aren't Carrie Bradshaw and it's probably too strong for you anyway.
See an example of this let-down "high profile image" of a drink below:

^Cosmopolitan^
Who decided to do this to alcohol? I don't know whether to drink it or buy a ticket and wait in line to ride it.

When I do decide to grace a New York City bar with my ubiquity I always get the same thing:

Dirty Martini - extra dirty, with an extra shot of olive juice on the side.

I know, I know - a total bitch drink and it usually takes me about 3 minutes to order it with all it's trimmings and specifications.

Only problem is: I've never been able to maneuver the martini glass properly.

What a terrible idea.

I always spill it all over the table and my pinky gets extremely confused and stubbornly insists on sticking out. It's a nightmare. But - because I'm the coolest chick ever, I now order it in a bourbon or whiskey glass:

^yep that's right. It's the perfect glass for me. I won't spill it anywhere, they usually give you more because of it's size and it sends the perfect message to the masses of men lining up around me:

"I drink from a respectable glass so it's clear that I'm not a colossal high-maintenance pain in the ass. You get the cab, I'll be there in a minute"

Boycott the Clear Beer trade ladies n' gentleman! If it didn't work for the Pepsi Co. it most certainly won't work for you either.

Really? No Way.

Frustration sets in as the world's most obvious conclusion has been proven by world's most useless study:
Click below to read:
Being Financially Secure Eases Worry & Stress

Christ on a muffin - I'm going to have to stop reading the news.

"Tayla Miron-Shatz, a postdoctoral research fellow at Princeton University, said that in a study involving women, those who concentrated much of their thinking on financial matters were much less likely to be happy with their lives"

Methinks you best go back to Princeton and get your money back Ms. Shatz

Can you guess which journal published this gold nugget of research?

The Journal of Judgment and Decision Making

I'm serious.  This journal actually exists.  I can't make this stuff up - despite what you may have heard, I'm not that talented.

So we're essentially saying that money can buy happiness. Most people will tell you with a slight smile on their face while they shake their heads "No, it most certainly cannot". Yea. OK. That's just something poor people say.

Money can buy you lots of things!

It can buy you a roller coaster..

^See? Look how happy everyone is. Nobody could be upset or angry on one of those things.

It can buy me my all-time favorite snack food...

Ohhhhhhh SnV chips - so good to me.

Little salty saviors in a bag.  The world could be falling apart all around me and I'm good as gold - so long as I have these suckers on hand.  

It can even buy you a baby if you happen to be cursed with a shotty reproductive system. 

I hear they keep their value if the eyes stay blue.

Now...I'd prefer to live in a classless society where healthcare and education was on a common ground for everyone to obtain - but until they stop paying these post doctoral researching pieces of garbage loads of money for their hours of useless, intellect-depraved labor - I really don't see my idealistic society coming to a head.  I'm gonna need some more time.

I guess I'll just wait it out.  

You assholes just let me know when you're ready.