Water Is Boring, And That Simply Won't Do.

Water.
The most abundant resource on our planet, a basic essential for the survival of all life forms.....
....and the human race has been able to market it in some of the most embarassing ways possible.

Attention mathletes. LG has a little chemistry equation for you.

Bottle design x H2O^2 x 2.3 mol {ignorance}/yearly salary = directly proportional to:

How big of a douchebag you are.

I was a whizz at Orgo Chem in college so I took the time to illustrate the actual molecular composition of the aromatic compound:

Pretention

Water has done nothing wrong and it doesn't deserve the packaging it's being forced into these days. It's almost as if the more uncomfortable the bottle is to hold, the better it will sell. I'll start with the jerks that started it all.

Thank Fiji - You've changed the standard and managed to make anyone who has the audacity to purchase Poland Springs look like a peasant. This new bottle will go over really well with all the SQUARE SHAPED CUP HOLDERS my car maintains.

This next one is a head shaker:

Voss:

This one looks ok at first, until you realize the fucking thing is made out of glass, is 16 inches tall and weighs about 4lbs. I actually used to purchase this in college with a friend of mine. They cost about $5 a pop and we called it our "princess water".

Sometimes you need a good punch in the face to bring you back to reality.

....Damn I miss my ex.

This next one is fun. Though I don't know which is more strange - the packaging or the weird advertising.

FRED Water

I'm not entirely sure what the message is.

Probably that if you're a big enough tool you might catch yourself birthing a Fred Water. Either that or it's the illustration of some chick getting brought back down to reality by her Ex for purchasing $7 water. As mentioned above.

I would stay away from this brand of H2O - it won't fit in any cup holder you own, it looks like you're carrying around a bottle of booze and it might cause you to become this guy:

"It's cool because it's shaped funny! lol"

C'mon people. Pull your head out of your ass. 10-1 you drank out of the hose when you were a kid anyway. Bottles that hold your water don't matter.