Kid's Birthday Parties Are Getting Out Of Hand. Love Just Ain't Cuttin' It Anymore.

^Peasants

Here in Manhattan - when a parent truly loves their child they spare no expense. The more uneconomical the choices you make for your child's party is directly proportional to how much you love them.

It's science.

An article was recently published online @ aol living under the Parent Dish. It reports on the costs of birthday party trimmings that rich people indulge in for their little angels. It's fairly unbiased and I think the author does a good job in hiding her hatred for rich people that shamelessly spoil their children. You will not, however, find me being so coy about my own frustrations with the information reported in the article. Read here.

I've listed some of the top costs that are associated with these extravagant parties. Enjoy the eye-roll inducing examples of what these idiots pay for.

1. Invitations
$4,000 for invitations from bullshit "invitationers" to the stars. Celebrities such as Nicole Ritche and Courtney Love have shelled out up to $200 per invitation for their parties.
Courtney Love? She still has money? What exactly did she request to have on her Christmas party invites this year that would warrant spending four thousand dollars? Was the winter scene on the invitations made entirely out of blow?

2. Flowers
Yea -because every kid has adamant expectations on the floral arrangements displayed at their own ego-festivals.

No mummy - I wish to have freesia as the offsetting floral note - take those vile lavender sprigs away!

Flower arrangements for these future victims of society have been reported to cost as much as $35,000. Owner of Belle Fleur (florist) reports:

"We did a party for a socialite's one year old and made the inside of her apartment look like Central Park"

Wow - you know you've transcended the boundaries of asshole status when you pay for the interior of your penthouse to match the exterior view you already have outside your fucking window.

3. The Cake
Blah, blah, blah - most high profile cakes start at $1,000. Pocketchange for most of Manhattan's elite.

Like it makes a difference. The kid won't even come close to appreciating the precision and art it took to make the thing and all the other society moms are just going to throw it up when they get home anyway.

4. The Theme
Thaaaats right - every rich person loves a good theme. I guess it's to distract each other when they run out of shit to talk about at the party, which I'm guessing is about 5 minutes after the guests arrive and they're finished yapping about how well their new Ecuadorian/Guatemalan/Brown house keepers are behaving.

According to this article - the most popular themes are Princesses and Dionsaurs.
I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before one of these suicidal high budget, low quality parents tries to buy off a scientist into re-creating dinosaurs for their kids parties.
Little Tatem want's a Pygmy T-Rex, then that's what he'll get!

5. The Gift

^Who knew a victim complex would be so easy to wrap up and tie a bow on?

ipods, computers, ponies, a 50K watch that matches daddy's, some inbred puppy that will essentially be the nanny's responsibility. The bigger the gift the more the parent's can get away with when it comes to leaving their kid alone whilst they vacation in France or Dubai. It mostly comes down to strategy.

6. The Outfit
I think this article is on my side as it states in caption:

"$2,000 for mom, $300 for child"

Now there's a big surprise. The only reason these heinous bitches are throwing these parties is to show off to their Park Ave friends. The kid is just a decoy.

7. Entertainment
It's a kids birthday party. Blow up a few balloons, cut the cake, throw some stupid presents at the kid and call it a day. If you feel the need to be fancy then call and hire a clown.

^Anything more than this is just gratuitous.

Paying 30K to have Miley Cyrus show up at your house doesn't make you look cool or well connected. It makes you look like an inept parent.


8. Photographer
The article quotes the average cost for a respectable party photographer at $7,500. You know what? Fine. You're little demon only turns 8 once, right? You wouldn't want to miss those magic moments of him opening up presents and eating cake and posing with his emotionally crippled immediate family. It takes a professional to capture all of that.

Well there you have it. This should give all of you middle-class American's something to think about next time you try and throw together some half-assed $150 birthday party for your kid. What?
You think love is all they need?

Spoiled Brat Thinks Of A New Way To Kill His Parents. Almost Worked.

^Unless of course one of your progeny flings a toy off the edge that's worth $6+. Then go for it.

Two parents almost die in an attempt to save their son's teddy bear after he tossed it off a cliff.
Unfortunately - the entire family survived.

Natural selection is really disappointing me lately.

Read story here.
It will also do you good to watch the very entertaining video feed of their angelic child and what looks like Don Vito from MTV's BAM being interviewed:

This is going to be a short entry as the point is a quick and easy one to make:
If your kid is doing a lot of this:


It's perfectly acceptable, that after you're through with them, they look like this:


And if they somehow end up looking like this:

You've essentially failed as a parent.

After the kid threw his stuffed bear off the cliff the mother followed her dominant recessive instincts and immediately went down to retrieve it. Heaven knows what she would have had to put up with from that little hell-demon if she didn't. Of course the women slips and her husband goes over the edge to save her. Leaving the son to fend for himself, alone, on the cliffs edge.

Probably thinking to himself 'Holy fuck - that actually worked'.

The parents ended up slipping an additional 80 feet down the cliff before firefighters could come and rescue them. The reporter in the video mentions that just 300 feet down is a high traffic highway crossing and they could have been killed. So close.

There was a happy ending for everyone once the parents were saved: A neighbor brought over a new teddy bear for the son to ride home with after the entire ordeal.

The cycle continues.....

Penguin That Can't Swim Becomes Latest Media Victim.

A recent article reports a certain British penguin is afraid of water. The Sun is there..

No, not that one.
This little guy here:

Home-slice has the misfortune of having less feathers than his brothers and sisters so it makes swimming in the cold water nearly impossible to enjoy. He basically is just stuck on the rocks all day, alone, while all his friends swim around and zoo keepers bully the hell out of him. Though the Sun reports he's becoming quite the tourist attraction. Apparently British zoo visitors love to watch a penguin sit alone, doing nothing.

Of course the respectable news source that is The Sun screws up this story in every way possible.

"Staff at the zoo have seen 11-year-old Kentucky become a surprise hit with visitors at the park due to his unusual phobia."

Yea, it's not really a "phobia" if the thing is going to die of hypothermia from freezing temps and a low feather count. He's not afraid of water, he's afraid of dying. Besides, if he was just afraid of water then someone needs to step up and push the little pansy in. Worked for me when I was a kid.

This is bullshit. Hey Glenn! Give him a shove would you?!


The Sun was also able to get one of the assistant bird keepers on the horn and gave the guy a chance to show his true animal loving colors:

“When he was born he was born a bit of a runt, so he’s had malting problems most of his life. It’s a bit of a pain having to go over especially to him to feed him because he won’t go in the water."

Yea, I'm sure the seven extra steps it takes to walk over to the penguin in order to throw a fish down his throat is really getting hard to incorporate into your busy schedule. Dickhead. You're a penguin feeder, just because the legendary Sun has asked you a couple questions, it doesn't give you a passport to start complaining for no good reason.

He continues and manages to redeem himself a bit:

“He’s a really cute little guy but I felt quite sorry for him - it’s like watching a monkey who’s scared of climbing up trees.”

That's a bit gratuitous isn't it? We don't need an analogy to help us understand the visual of a penguin being afraid of water.

It's like watching a polar bear who won't walk on snow!
It's like seeing a groundhog who 's afraid to burrow in the dirt!
It's like watching David Walliams refusing to wear woman's attire!

The Sun should have caught that last quote and nixed it. This shouldn't come as a surprise to me. Any online news source from Britain that flashes IQ test adverts across the top of my screen claiming that people like Katy Perry and Britney Spears have IQ scores of 105 should flag suspicion immediately. I blame myself.

Let's just take it easy on the animals Britain, it's not kind to breed and then exploit H2O frolic challenged penguins. Just stick to what you guys know best: tea, weird comedy, the English language and bad weather.

Stay Stingy With Your Bits Ladies - The Brits Say It's Key In Finding Mr. Right

Time for another installment of:

Britain is continuing to flip my mind with their high mind-powered studies. In addition to their past mistakes (see prior post on a classic UK study here) they just finished another one. Though this proves to be more tangible as it comes with a fun mathematical model to support their argument.
Women who refuse sex on first date 'increase chances of finding a good man 
Click to read about it.

If you didn't notice, the lovely graphic websters at the Telegraph thought that the picture I have posted below would be the best representation of their article:
Two people standing on a roof in the rain.

^Gina and Dave have been together for 3 months and are very much in love. Gina's been holding out on Dave and won't let him touch her. Her sub-zero temperatures have caused Dave to go finding it elsewhere. They're to marry in June.

"Researchers used a mathematical model to show that more reliable men were willing to wait longer before having sex for the first time"

Let me just clear this up for any delusional twits out there about men and sex. There is only one mathematical model that can accurately predict a man's behavior when it comes to this issue:

The hotter the woman, the more crap the man is willing to put up with.

Done and Done. I'd like to collect my grant money now.

A woman is only kidding herself if she thinks waiting until the 2nd, 3rd or 4th date is going to give her much more information about a guy. Chances are - if you give in on the second date it's going to look stupid - it's pretty much just showing what you wanted to do on the first date but were too insecure and afraid of looking like a slut to do it. I say, either get it over with or hold out for the long haul (1+month). Making men suffer is kind of fun anyway so you win on both sides.

"Ted was willing to wait 27 dates for last night to happen, he must be a total pansy, I'm going to leave him"

The study states that by delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance that she will mate with a bad male, and a male's willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he is likely to be a good male.

Mating? Courtship? This is a modern society, with humans, circa 2009. We aren't a colony of peacocks in west India or a harem of lionesses. Everyone knows that "courtship" in Britain and America is just a series of lame dates that consist of stuffing our faces in crappy restaurants and meeting each others boring family members. -Oh and using never ending mind games on each other, with sex as the game piece.

"Hey babe - you wanna get down on this?"
"Not tonight Jonathan - we've only just met."

They really hit home with the sexism on this last statement:

"Long courtship is a price paid for increasing the chance that mating, if it occurs, will be a harmonious match which benefits both sexes. This may help explain the commonly held belief that a woman is best advised not to sleep with a man on a first date"

That's right - taking women's sexual liberation back about 100 years.
You can't screen out a "bad male" match before the initial sex. All the guts of the relationship and it's dynamic comes out after the sex happens.

See how the moron treats you after you put out, then you can make you're decision.

Obama Represents Hope. Hope & Dollar Signs.

I can understand the fascination with Obama. I too was a victim of donning Obama paraphernalia. I had an "Obama fo yo mamma" t-shirt and thought it was pretty spiffy. I know. Shut up. I was young at the time and under the severe influence from the true dark side of the universe that is Urban Outfitters.
You just know his ass is going to end up on some form of legal tender.

^A man so bad ass they're honoring his mug with an $11 bill.

This Obama love fest is getting out of hand. Mostly when it comes in the form of our fair weathered friend: Capitalism
Christ, just transfer 80% of Obama themed pins/hats/plates/doorknob profits towards our bailout program. We should be home free by March.

I've come across some pretty interesting ways this country is choosing to sell Obama. Here are a few things I enjoy the most.
Obama Flops:

Creepy. Just too creepy. Feet are already weird looking enough, I don't need to see multiple smiley Obama heads looking up at me when I'm walking around. Though I do think it's funny and also a little obvious why they added the American Flag and our lovely Democratic Donkey pieces to the mix. This way it doesn't just look like a bunch of black guys blooming from your foot. White people are probably the only ones willing to buy those things and you know they can't tell the difference. Good lookin' out Hotflops.

There are these traditional treasures:

I just don't like it. The mugs are a little easier to tolerate, but the plates? Yes! Now we can eat our dinner off of our new President's face.
"But LG - it's not for eating off of?! LOL"
Save it. Cramming this ceramic piece of garbage on your mantel where it'll collect dust for the next 4 years ain't much better. Hey, maybe eating off of it would be good for portion control - it could help with our obesity epidemic. When you start to see his forehead peeping through your mashed potatoes it's time to put the fork down.

Then there's this golden hodgepodge of Obaminable equipage:

Que the sound effects. It's time for Bullshit Breakdown:
1. A t shirt with Obama riding a Unicorn.
It gives us so much to work with doesn't it? I'm finding it difficult to delineate all of the potential meanings. Let's do word association. Mythical creature = fantasy. Obama = first black president. I knew it. Racists.

2. Leather "newspaper" clipping clutch.
It's priced at $195. That's reasonable, especially considering our current economic situation - people should be purchasing ironic presedential themed finery. I'm sure a large part of why you voted for Obama was based on his economic views. Nothing like paying tribute to a man's great plan than by tossing your money out the window on this crap. Tres chic. Tres asshole.

3. Barack Barrettes
Only weirdo hipsters wear barrettes and if you're wearing Obama barrettes then you're no longer a hipster - just a plain old douchebag, sans the fancy "hipster" title.

4. Obama Thong
This definitely falls into the Oh No They Didn't category. I like the "Barack's how I roll" phrase on it. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean - but I'm guessing the dumb trick who's harnessing these bad boys isn't too concerned about that, she's just cool because she's got Obama branding her naughty bits.

5. 6. & 7. The new Hope line of apparel - for all your dim witted needs.
Earrings and a necklace that have the word Hope incorporated on it. Snooooooze. I like the shirt though. You know the design intern got a major chubby when he realized how he could use a picture of a dove to convey the word hope at the same time. TRIPLE WORD SCORE BITCHES!

I suppose the good news is, if Obama fucks this up - this stuff will be worth a fortune one day.

Bratz Doll Update. Don't Worry, They're Still Maintaining The Ability To Destroy Your Child's Innocence.

The Bratz doll biz continues in its aim to ruin people's lives. For the entire story refer back to my Dolls vs. Humanity article from December of '08.

Click here for the news article.
The latest victim of these lascivious floozy figurines is a seven year old girl who discovered a perplexing message on her doll's belt buckle:

"But LG, what's the big deal? I don't underst-....ohhhhhh. I see"

Quite rightly the mom called up the company and bitched up a storm about the belt buckle's provocative suggestion of "Enter". This is what she was hit back with:

"Staley said that when she called the company, MGA Entertainment, a representative told her that the belt is supposed to be that way.
"The way he was explaining, it's supposed to be like a seat belt," Staley said. "Like how a seat belt in a car has enter, you enter the seat belt"

Nicely done MGA. I don't suppose there is anything you plan on doing for Ms. Staley now that she has to explain to her daughter that it's "seat belt" related. I'm sure that'll go over easy as pie. The girl is 7, not autistic.

"Staley said the Bratz maker offered her a couple of free toys, but she said that's not enough."

Well that's nice of them. I hear they're coming out with a brand new line and I'm sure Ms. Staley is on the list to get one per gratis. Wonder what kind of accoutrements these feisty dolls will be sporting. I gotta few ideas:

^This might not prove to be as easy as the "seat belt" buckle explination - but it'll keep you busy with your daughter for most of the afternoon.

^Another popular favorite. Convenience is key.

^This one holds a special place in my heart as it's simple, it's to the point, and it's black so it will go with most of the dolls outfits. It's also good representation of what your daughter is most likely going to turn into when she comes of age after spending most of her youth playing with Bratz dolls.

Congrats MGA! You've done it again. Slowly diminishing society's potential by starting with it's most impressionable youth.

Think You're Not A Racist? Nope, You Are. No, Really. You're A Racist And I've Got The Article To Prove It.

This is beyond irritating. I thought racism was behind us. Not according to the latest article published in the CNN Health section: You may be more racist than you think, study says.

Organic free roaming cage free filth! Quit trying to steal our jobs!

"A new study published Thursday in the journal Science suggests many people unconsciously harbor racist attitudes, even though they see themselves as tolerant and egalitarian."

Well let's just get one thing straight - if you ever catch yourself saying something along the lines of "I tolerate blacks, Jews, Indians, Chinese, etc..." You are a racist. It doesn't really matter so much as to the degree of racist you are, don't focus on that. Just know that you are one.

hmmm that's interesting:
Even my blogger spell check appears to be a bit racist. It made me capitalize Jews, Indians, and Chinese but didn't care what I did with the term "blacks". Guess you don't count as a definitive group, lower case letters for you it is!

Who do these research guys think they are? I know I'm not a racist and I've got good reason not to be. Add mention, I'm predominately Hispanic but have the look of a fresh-off-the-boat Irish lass. Don't talk to me about racism. You try passing off these stupid freckles while sporting a stereotypical Spanish surname. Nobody buys into it. The only good thing this godawful kooky combo got me was a few extra acceptances into top colleges, and some respectable dinner reservations in the city. Nod to affirmative action and family lineage. Here are some more examples of how I know I'm not racist.

1. I voted for Obama.
2. One of my favorite movies is Soul Food.
3. My best friend growing up lived next door to a black person.

What? You got something to say now?

The article then goes on to explain how they did some stupid experiment putting black and white people in a room together and had the black person trip on the white person's foot on the way out. Then they proceeded to monitor the white person's response to the situation. I would probably be able to tell you more, but I fell asleep in the midst of reading.

I guess the conclusion is:
Most people consider themselves "tolerant" but are in fact - just a bunch of racists. Groundbreaking. Obviously this study was conducted by a crew of white scientists as any non-white person could tell you this conclusion on any given day.

Ok, so. How can we change this? I have a couple ideas.
Let's start with these:

^The white man's health aid^
Notice the color? It's meant to blend into a white person's skin tone. Nicely done Johnson & Johnson. What's next? No Tears Baby Shampoo, specially formulated for blonde hair/blue eyed babies? Medicine Cubby Fascists.


This ain't helpin' either:


^I really don't see how far this joke could possibly go.
If you put them on then someone is bound to say something to you, probably along the lines of "Oh, your eyes are shaped like an Asian person". Where you would then proceed to take them off and try to figure out why you spent your $2.47 on them in the first place. BTW - these are manufactured in Hong Kong. Ouch.


Some would also agree that this is a deal breaker:

^I vehemently disagree. Aunt Jemima is a god send to my kitchen. Her shit is effing delicious. Home girl's got talent.

In conclusion: If you think you're not racist but have white skin, then you probably are. To a certain extent, it's not even your fault - it's just one of the many defects of our kind.

10% British Young Adults Depressed. In Other News - The Remaining 90% Slept In From Over-Medicating And Missed The Survey.

Will somebody please set up a speed dating ring for the UK and their scientists? They're obviously bored and starting to lash out by spewing forth more mind-numbing and ridiculously obvious statistics. We all know from a prior entry of mine that they're repeat offenders. According to Communitycare.co.uk, 1 in 10 young adults feel depressed. The mind altering article can be found here.

Of 2,000 16- to 25-year-olds surveyed for the Prince’s Trust, 12% said their life was “meaningless”, whilst 14% thought “life has no purpose”. One in five felt like crying “often” or “always” and nearly half (47%) felt regularly stressed.

First off: Life IS meaningless - those kids aren't depressed - they're just well-informed.

Second: I'm now nearing the end of this study's age bracket and let me tell you a little something about my 16-25 experience:
I had the world at my effing finger tips. I graduated from high school with top marks, I went to a decent University, had a respectable social life with great friends, money, talent pouring out of my derriere as well as the ability to bounce a quarter off of it. The shadow that followed me around everywhere I went pretty much looked like this:

Life is P-E-A-C-H-Y

And let me tell you something....I STILL managed to bitch and moan about feeling depressed and empty. I even got my hands on some handy anti-depressants.

YEP! Nothin' like a fine girl in her prime @ Uni with low self esteem and mood stabilizers - Might as well be a bulls eye.

No worries. I worked out all the kinks. It's all part of growing up and being a selfish spoiled brat. Unless of course you were beaten or molested, and for that I'm sorry and exclude you from prior comments and generalizations.

Those statistics don't even look that bad to me. They're in Britain for God's sake. Isn't their entire meteorologic motto: Surrender to the gloom?

Christ - just look at this photo I took off of Weather.com:

^It's this morning's weather report from London's West End. It's not exactly daisy picking season there, now is it? Give the little runts a break.

It's a part of their culture to constantly reflect on the morbidity of life, and besides, isn't everyone over there a poet of some sorts anyway? Being depressed and declaring the world as being void of meaning is like getting into costume for them. I mean - just look at this motherlovin' dandy:

^I heart you always O-dub.

The article managed to go on about how young adults with jobs, attended school and were active in their community were much less depressed than the one's that didn't work and ate Doritos on their parent's couches all day.

Again - Where online can I apply for the position of overpaid, undereducated Scientist? I think I might just have a future with you guys.

How To Win Asshole Of The Year Award: Defend The Fur Industry.

Fashion zombie, Karl Lagerfeld decided to go against his better judgement and opened his mouth to the press again. A quote that was most likely taken out of context in regards to Lagerfeld defending the fur industry:

"Killing those beasts would kill us if they could"

That quote doesn't even make sense - get your shit together Telegraph. Either get it right, or make him repeat himself so you can understand what's falling out of his mouth. Read the article here.

"Beetch please, I run dis sheet"

Though I don't know if it's fair to slam the Telegraph for that quote, that fruit cup is very difficult to understand at times. I met him once when I first came to New York, my friend dragged me to this big floofy restaurant downtown and he was a friend of a guest's of something or other. He told me I had great hair, that's not what I heard, but when I asked my friend Vanessa to translate for me - I guess that was the conclusion we came up with. He was wearing his usual accoutrements: lace gloves, huge sunnies and more rings than he had fingers. I'll give the man a break because he's a dinosaur and still walking and talking, well - trying his hardest anyway. I hope I can pull off his look when I turn 126.

He continues:

"In a meat-eating world, wearing leather for shoes and clothes and even handbags, the discussion of fur is childish."

He makes a good point, it's boldly hypocritical to wear a leather handbag and then go on and on about how disgusting a fur coat is. I suppose it's because fur creations used to be cute creatures and most of us know the horrors of how those things are killed and tortured just so we can wear it. Though I'm going to say - this is enough of a reason to stop the fur farms dead in their tracks:

Oh Sweetheart. Who lied to you?

Karl also went on to attack the world for zeroing in on the size 0 models they use in his fashion shows. In a radio interview he was specifically asked about the problems associated with the public and fashion's use of these ridiculously skinny women. He stated that the issue of skinny models was insignificant compared to the zillions of fat people walking around this good earth. I can just picture him dry heaving at the site of any girl wearing one of his creations that's under the height of 5'10 and over the weight of 103.

"There are nearly 30 per cent of young people who are too fat. So let's take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that's left."

Damn - I really wanted to spin this entry into a Karl Lagerfeld hate-fest, but I just can't do it. Dashing Diva is making some pretty decent points. Karl Lagerfeld uses fur in his lines at times but he doesn't wear it himself. Good, he probably thinks they're tacky. Furs are straight up 80's anyway, they should start being sold with an obligatory dime bag of crack rock in their pockets.

Though I will say this. Karl contradicts himself as he clearly has no problem wearing young, no-talent ostrich and lemming skins when he goes out to all of his A-list events:

Sorry Karly, but parading around with those two really damages your credibility in fashion.

In summation:
Don't buy fur. It's ugly, it's expensive and nobody thinks you look good in it. Nothing will get you on a worst dressed list faster and PETA will be so far up your ass you'll be begging to go back to an all poly-blend wardrobe.

Medicate Your Dog's Behavioral Problems - I've Already Made The Phone Call To Tom Cruise. He's All Over It.

C'mere Spike! Breakfast is ready!

In addition to men, women and children being addicted to every behavioral medicine on the market - we thought we would let the shit storm of over-medicating fall upon our beloved pets as well.

The Daily Mail sprouted up a new article about how a British-born doctor (Good. It's a Brit - that should take some of the heat off of us) has developed a prozac-like pill to help deal with your dog's problems such as over licking, barking and tail chasing. This pill basically aims to cure all the things your dog was born to do. Read article here.

^He's not sad- it's just the way his face looks. Now get that ridiculous sweater off of him before he chows your 6 month old child's face off out of pent-up anger.

To no surprise the Daily Mail blows off a statistic that is probably true:

"Giving pills to pets to alter their behaviour has become an industry worth £33billion a year in the U.S. and now some of the drugs on offer are heading here"

^Nice to see our love for pets and fiscal opportunism in bullshit pharmaceutical sales is spreading across the Atlantic like a rash on fire. Damn. We got this imperialism thing nailed down!

"Americans can buy pills for cats and dogs to counter obesity, amnesia, separation anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder."

Oh yea - you guessed it. Time for LG's favorite bit:
Bullshit Breakdown

Amnesia? How in the hell do you diagnose amnesia for a dog? If your dog isn't responding to you screaming his name, it's probably because he hates you, not because he forgot who you are.

Obesity? If your dog is a wide-load then you have a few options: Stop feeding it table scraps, start feeding it diet food, stop being a colossal moron. What kind of asshole throws a pill down a dog's throat for that solution? Christ - my mom is forced to give my dog insulin shots back home because it's a diabetic, we already feel like total failures. I can't imagine what a shame-inducing ephedrine pill would do to pet owners.

"So Snowbuttons, tell me what you don't like about yourself?"
"I'm an emotional eater"

Separation Anxiety? I have a parrot that suffers from this. Mostly because I'm a shitty person and am not around all that much. He get's pissed and sometimes picks at his feathers. As if the thing couldn't hate me enough already, now I'm expected to force feed medicine down his beak to help? Methinks not.

Depression? I don't think so. I think the only dogs that truly suffer from depression are those dogs that look like hairy beef jerky:

^Give that thing all the pills it wants. Give him drugs. Give him the maximum legal limit of drugs. He's earned it.
I can't believe they actually breed these dogs. It's just one big genetic disastrous mess. DNA got mad-confused upon conception and now it's one of the most coveted breeds out there. Goo.

Britain, listen to me. Don't do it. I know you are a solemn and caliginous people and I'm sure that's trickled down to your furry kin, but that's all part of your cultural charm. There is no need to substitute puppy prozac for shitty pet parenting.

Stay dreary Britain.
The pets don't care.
I promise.