Put On Your Sunday Best Honey! We're Gonna Go Eat Some Fuckin' Sharks

This picture is accompanied by a point, I promise.

I was using public transportation this morning, I know, very "woman of the people" kind of thing for me to do. I'm like Evita.

..and as for fortune, and as for fame.....I never invited them in...But they sure as hell look fantastic on me eh?!

Whilst I was sitting in my taxi, I got to thinking.......

People who eat Shark Fin Soup are ASSHOLES.

mmmm. Tastes like speciation endangerment!
First off - there is nothing chic about this soup. It costs a metric shit ton when you order it at a restaurant and it looks like someone just sneezed in your bowl.

I suppose my spark of conciousness came about because I was dining at one of my favorite restaurants here in the city last week, Phillippe Chow, (am I allowed to name restaurants on this thing? I'll find out later) and these people had the cojones grandes to put this on their menu:

*Shark Fin Soup ........$18

Please note that endangered sharks are not used for this soup

Well thank God. Now pretentious dickheads all over New York City can sleep at night knowing that their soup consumption made of low budget sharks won't cause extinction for at least the next 20 years.

How do you think those other sharks became endangered in the first place?

What? Wuzzn't me.

I guess I just don't understand the appeal. It's been called a delicacy all over the world. How so? How did a fish appendage make it onto the Nouveau Riche food list? Can I create some?

Welcome To LG's - There's No Finer Diner!

Sea Turtle Shell Meringue

Arctic Fox Snout Sorbet

Bald Eagle Beak Soufflé

*Panda Toe Stroganoff

*please note that ordering this will come at the cost of eternal damnation for your soul.

I just don't understand.

Are people born like this?

No More Spelling Bees? My Theory: Windows Spell Check Conspiracy.

Nerds across America will be feeling the detrimental effects of our credit crunch.

The Douglas County School District is undergoing budget cuts and it's long standing traditional spelling bee faces the threat of being shut down. Reed the artikle heer


Prey tell, how much does a spelling bee run these days?

I doubt the words that the kids are being asked to spell are copywritten - so that should save a few pennies. I've always assumed those somber looking judges get paid quite poorly, and we all know those kid's don't win legitimate currency.
Ohhhhh no - they find their rewards to transcend the form of the dollar bill. Their unfortunate win usually lands them a trip to go see the big guy:

Tell me son, is it right to hyphenate the term Antichrist? I'd just like to know, I get called that a lot and I'd love to be able to correct those damn coon journalists - It'd really show 'em!

"The event is usually a big deal complete with balloons, snacks, T-shirts and plaques for the winnders, said Weickum, who has been overseeing the district spelling bee for about 13 years."

Well there's your problem. Cut out the frills. They don't need snacks and balloons. Feed the kid before you leave the house and then go buy them a balloon on the way home if they manage not to screw up on stage.
Jesus -do I always have to spoon feed solutions to you people?
^The child listed above is an embodiment of the United States in all of it's inept glory for solving issues. The spoon belongs to me.

Weickum continues:
"I think teachers will just have to be creative and make things happen"

Oh come on - as if teachers don't already have 50 million things that they have to be responsible for (while simultaneously making dog shit for a salary) now they have to figure out how to keep this afloat?

America:
You can't get rid of spelling bees. Kids are going to need the scholarship money they earn from them when they're facing the global economic Armageddon 5-10 years from now. May I suggest a few things I think schools should be cutting instead?

1. Fancy-pants on-staff nutritionists.
Kid's don't give a shit - kids in the 70s, 80s and 90s didn't have some hot 25 year-old blonde "diet consultant" sitting around at their school when they were growing up, and they all managed not to turn into chubby loads. Portion control - just initiate that into your lunch programs, then you'll be saving money on food costs. It's a tip-for-twofer! You're welcome.

2. Sport uniforms
Okay, fine, get the uniforms and make sure they are nice and in good shape - but there is no reason each team needs to revamp their uniform every damn year.
Interesting how the cost of uniforms increase each year, yet less and less fabric seems to be required.

I went to a school where the cheerleader's were treated like royalty and got new crap every year. While I played for the tennis team and nearly broke my ankle 4 times per season because of the canonesque cracks running across our courts like a goddamned San Fernando Valley fault line.

3. Sex Education
President Bush really screwed the pooch on this one. It's going to take Obama years to get schools back on track with correct and effective methods of sex education. Might as well drop it all together until then.

It's time for us to grab the giraffe by the ankles and prove to the world we aren't the most stupidest nation ever!

Excuses.

I know.  I'm a complete asshole who hasn't updated in over a week and it's probably causing most of you to go into quality humor withdrawl.  I'm sorry for your plight.

I'll be up and running tomorrow and spreading my mind across the bleak canvas that is the pages of internet weblog- enlightening the few who are ready for true revolution and those that seek salvation through my genius.

Happy Birthday Darwin

 -  I've decided to naturally select this fellow for my entry to center around tomorrow.

HA! see how I did that?  You all must miss me so much.  Stay tuned.