Britain's Latest Invention To Please It's Ladies: Clear Beer.

All those proud to be an American. Say "I"

When everyone lets you down there's no need to panic: The Daily Star will be there

Headline reads:

Britain's first clear beer is being launched for drinkers who hate brown ale and foamy heads.

Click to read

*tisk tisk* Britain. I thought you guys had a low tolerance for sissy issues like this.

Apparently women across the pond can't hold their own when it comes to this silly little wheat treat. A study shows that it's due to the fact that

A. It's a man's drink

B. The opaque color turns them off.

I did a study of my own and found that it's really due to the fact that

A. Beer is disgusting

B. It's news to me if certain fluids are being neglected for consumption by women simply due to opaqueness.

Read statement B over again if you have to.

There ya go.

They also found that girls being complete morons may also have something to do with it:

"And a third opt for drinks that are served in attractive glasses, have the right image or are popular with their friends"

Que the eye-roll

If you happen to be a female, over the age of 22 and live in Manhattan - don't even think about ordering a Cosmopolitan. You aren't Carrie Bradshaw and it's probably too strong for you anyway.
See an example of this let-down "high profile image" of a drink below:

^Cosmopolitan^
Who decided to do this to alcohol? I don't know whether to drink it or buy a ticket and wait in line to ride it.

When I do decide to grace a New York City bar with my ubiquity I always get the same thing:

Dirty Martini - extra dirty, with an extra shot of olive juice on the side.

I know, I know - a total bitch drink and it usually takes me about 3 minutes to order it with all it's trimmings and specifications.

Only problem is: I've never been able to maneuver the martini glass properly.

What a terrible idea.

I always spill it all over the table and my pinky gets extremely confused and stubbornly insists on sticking out. It's a nightmare. But - because I'm the coolest chick ever, I now order it in a bourbon or whiskey glass:

^yep that's right. It's the perfect glass for me. I won't spill it anywhere, they usually give you more because of it's size and it sends the perfect message to the masses of men lining up around me:

"I drink from a respectable glass so it's clear that I'm not a colossal high-maintenance pain in the ass. You get the cab, I'll be there in a minute"

Boycott the Clear Beer trade ladies n' gentleman! If it didn't work for the Pepsi Co. it most certainly won't work for you either.

Really? No Way.

Frustration sets in as the world's most obvious conclusion has been proven by world's most useless study:
Click below to read:
Being Financially Secure Eases Worry & Stress

Christ on a muffin - I'm going to have to stop reading the news.

"Tayla Miron-Shatz, a postdoctoral research fellow at Princeton University, said that in a study involving women, those who concentrated much of their thinking on financial matters were much less likely to be happy with their lives"

Methinks you best go back to Princeton and get your money back Ms. Shatz

Can you guess which journal published this gold nugget of research?

The Journal of Judgment and Decision Making

I'm serious.  This journal actually exists.  I can't make this stuff up - despite what you may have heard, I'm not that talented.

So we're essentially saying that money can buy happiness. Most people will tell you with a slight smile on their face while they shake their heads "No, it most certainly cannot". Yea. OK. That's just something poor people say.

Money can buy you lots of things!

It can buy you a roller coaster..

^See? Look how happy everyone is. Nobody could be upset or angry on one of those things.

It can buy me my all-time favorite snack food...

Ohhhhhhh SnV chips - so good to me.

Little salty saviors in a bag.  The world could be falling apart all around me and I'm good as gold - so long as I have these suckers on hand.  

It can even buy you a baby if you happen to be cursed with a shotty reproductive system. 

I hear they keep their value if the eyes stay blue.

Now...I'd prefer to live in a classless society where healthcare and education was on a common ground for everyone to obtain - but until they stop paying these post doctoral researching pieces of garbage loads of money for their hours of useless, intellect-depraved labor - I really don't see my idealistic society coming to a head.  I'm gonna need some more time.

I guess I'll just wait it out.  

You assholes just let me know when you're ready.

Girl Scout Finds A Great Way To Sell More Cookies. Girl Scouts Of America Find A Way To Crap All Over Her Idea.

 "Oh no they didn't" probably best explains it.

Read article:

Banning the Sales of Girl Scout Cookies Online

Look - I view the Girl Scouts of America as most people do:

Cold-blooded confectionery capitalist cookie sadists.

I can't even tell you how many times a year I get bullied by a troop at my front door in the early spring, or worse, some obnoxious over eager mother at work who pulls the classic:

"Don't feel obligated to buy from my daughter Sasha this year, I just brought in the form in case anybody wanted"

Don't fall for it, if you pass it up and don't put your name down for at least 2 boxes - you're officially on that bitch's black list for the remainder of the year. Buy a couple of Pnut Butter Patties and save yourself the wrath. For every box you buy it saves her a few pennies so she won't have to pay as much to send her daughter off to Girl Scout Camp that year.

Sidenote:
I've been to Girl Scout Camp. Camp Linden. I was sent away for 4 days where the main activities were horseback riding and swimming. It was a camp to learn how to do those exact two things.

1. The lake had been closed due to chemicals put in the lake to cure an algae bloom problem they were having. Never even got my feet wet.

2. The horse I got to ride (1 time) was about as tall as me, so if I tried hard enough I could practically touch the ground with my toes while riding the thing. We moved at a snails pace for about 30 min and so ended my overpriced boots n' bridles education.

3. The bugs were enormous, the chores sucked and the most mind blowing thing I got to do the entire time was tie-dye a towel.

Bastards.

"When 8-year-old Wild Freeborn became a Girl Scout earlier this year, she had a simple goal: sell 12,000 boxes of the organization's addictive cookies. She wanted to earn enough money to send her entire troop (all new scouts) to summer camp in Brevard, N.C."

Wait? Wild Freeborn? Christ, I could post an entire entry on that unfortunate name alone. I'm pressed for time so I'll allow it.

"In late January, they posted a YouTube video, starring Freeborn in Girl Scout gear, touting her straightforward sales pitch. "Buy cookies! And they're yummy!" Soon after, they set up an online order system that was limited to customers within their local area"

Sounds fine to me. Internet sales of these delicious cookies would be a god send.

A. You don't have to deal with the guilt if you don't buy from the girls when they come to your door.

B. You can order what you really want. No shame. I'm a Girl Scout cookie junkie, so you can basically triple what I mark down on those forms and that's what I actually want. I just don't want to be judged by the girls as a disgusting glutton-toting cookie pig.

It might look like all I want is this:

1 box of Lemonades

1 box of Thin Mints

1 box of Shortbreads

But if I had it my way:

Yea, that's me....right here...back it up! Those things aren't going to unload themselves hunny!

Of course someone, somewhere, somehow was going to bitch about what this girl did:

"If you have an individual girl that creates a Web presence, she can suck the opportunity from other girls," says Matthew Markie, a parent who remains involved in Girl Scouts even though his three daughters are well into their 20s.

Hello. Survival of the fittest. What are you trying to pull? Socialism for cookies? Who cares? The more she sells the better!

Besides - in this day in age, shouldn't we be discouraging adorable young girls in uniforms going door-to-door?

People will find any reason to bitch. Take, for example, a change that happened a few years back with these delicious bad boys:

^^All hail the mighty Samoa^^

This particular Girl Scout cookie has always been there for me. It's the best one out of the bunch and it's helped me through everything in life: Bad grades, break ups, abortions, and many other of life's little lessons that have befallen upon me.

They've recently changed the name of it to "Caramel Delights" . I know why - they probably thought it wasn't very politically correct to name a cookie after a Polynesian group. Eff that. Any race should be proud to have such a confection named as their representative.

Just think of the missed fun and opportunities for naming these cookies that were around in the 80's.

Giggles!

So many inappropriate ideas, so little webspace.....

No need to get upset over this Girl Scouts - just sell those things any way you know how. Let us live in love, peace and cookies!

It's what he would have wanted.