England. Making Me Proud To Be A Pseudo-American Since....Since America Started. I Guess They Were Around First.

This entry is just going to write itself. Click below for the original Telegraph article.
"Traditional British Eel, Pie, & Mash shop is under threat because of dwindling supplies of the fish".

Ahhh yes I forgot, Britain's pressing Eel shortage. Well that's terrible news for my palate. Seems to be bad news for the unfortunate looking creatures as well. Poor little guys.

I'm as cute as I taste. I promise.

Perhaps this meal is under threat because the British population realized that eel is disgusting. When did a fish that looks like it's under the constant thread of being possesed by the devil become considered a delicacy?

Delicacy as mentioned:

Alright. Who sneezed on my veggie burger n' potatoes?

The article continues to give the reader a colorful description of the dish's future:

"Jellied eels could soon join the ranks of haslet, stotty cake, and bara birth as a dish that is only found in rare pockets of Britain"

A. It's imperative that I know the contents of anything entitled "Stotty Cake" and "Bara Birth" immediately.
B. That list of vile concoctions needs to stay in those little rare pockets of Britain. We may have adopted your language guys, but you make sure to keep that cuisine on your side of the pond.

Not to stray from their traditional English style - the article starts to condescend a bit to the reader when describing the eel meal:

"....Jellied Eels, an acquired taste..."

Great, thanks - that gives me enough to work with.

I love it: An acquired taste. It's Jellied Eel. The stuff is going to taste like total garbage whether I'm eating it for the 67th time or the first. Don't pull your snobbery on me. You're serving an eel, on a plate, to your customers.
It's a slimy eel that you've jellied.
You've managed to double slime an eel.

YOU LOSE.

This recipe definitely tampers with your overall goal of kitchen sophistication don't you think? You guys really should have just stopped at tea n' crumpets.

To be fair, this eel shortage seems serious and is starting to hinder family businesses:

Jeff Goddard, whose family opened their eel, pie and mash shop in Deptford, south London in 1890, said: "Eels have been part of Britain's history for two or three hundred years and it would be sad if they were to die out and no-one gets to try a real British experience."

Don't worry about me Jeff. Russell Brand was in town not too long ago. The women of other nations are sure to get their British experiences granted eventually.

OMG! TXT ME!

Issue at hand:
The text message and it's enemies.

Beep Beep.

I don't understand the people who are angry with the idea of the text message. It's the perfect way to efficiently communicate with others. I always love it when I'm talking to someone and they pounce all over the texting system:

"I don't text - I prefer to communicate with people like an actual human being"

Yea, I'm sure they really look forward to your phonecalls. I bet they love the constant sound of that holier than thou voice of yours, you unfriendly condescending prick.

Now I'm not talking about the assfaces that use texting to break up with someone or even stab someone over it: Read it here. But if I want to tell the lucky guy that happens to be spending the night with me what kind of Ben & Jerry's to bring over - then you can bet I'm doing it via text.

"Need pint of B&J's Americone Dream + Lifestyles, ribbed"

Now before I make my closing statements I'll give the people who hate this technology a break:

Just recently 13 year old Morgan Pozgar won $25K by completely dominating the national text messaging competition last year. I know, I know, kind of puts my argument in massive flex.

"I am so shocked right now. I send over 4,000 texts every month and can't believe that I actually won the whole competition," said Pozgar in a statement. "Now I want to go shopping."

Four thousand texts a month? Good thing mini homeslice is getting money to use for college now because I'm going to bet some duckets that this girl isn't in the running for many academic scholarships. Put the phone down Morgan - get your homework done and reach your potential.

I once won $100 for college in a toddler photo contest @ K-Mart.

Suck it Pozgar. My adorable mug brings in the dough. Face beats thumbs.

Overall texting is a great idea. Who doesn't like getting a sweet little thinking of you text? or pulling the ultimate "can't call you, busy - talk to you tomorrow" blow off text? It's genius and makes all of our lives more simple.

I even got my mother on board with this texting business, though I somewhat regret it. She's recently discovered picture texting so whenever I send the lovely woman flowers I get a detailed hour-to-hour text on their progress via pictures. I have a respectable Blackberry phone, but one recent bouquet that I sent out has cost me the need for an additional memory card.

"Yes mom - the flowers look much better from photo texts 8, 9, & 10."

Don't hate on the text, it's an infamous tool that keeps us from actually having to look/speak to one another. The world will be a better place.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Happy National Donut Day!

Today our nation honors this little rotund perfection of a snack:
The Donut

Loved by many, the donut has been around since the late 1800's and has been contributing to the obesity epidemic ever since. So worth it.

I was appaled to realize how much I didn't know about this crazy desert until I was told that today is the donut's holy day. So my research instincts and skills kicked in and I wikipedia'd this bitch.

I didn't like what I found. Turns out the Dutch are behind it. Even though it's known as an American creation, it's been said that the Dutch introduced it here in the States some time ago. Sons of bitches, they can't just let us have this? But let's not let our disdain for the filthy and catastrophic race, that is the Dutch, to get in our way of the greatest confection of all time.

Thank you Dunkin' Donuts for keeping these little guys beautifully decorated with frosting and sugars

^Completely gratuitous? Yes. Completely necessary? Ohhhh yea.

Thank you Tim Hortons for being the Canadian version of Dunkin' Donuts and trying your hardest to keep up with American standards.
TIMBITS!

Thank you Krispy Kreme for inventing a neon sign called the Hot Light that alerts chunkies everywhere that new donuts have been born.

Thank you Starbucks for minding your own damn business and keeping your greedy grubby mits off the donut industry and serving bullshit $7 scones instead. I know you actually do serve donuts but this is what they always look like when I go in there:

^Actual picture of Starbucks "donut"

This is not a donut. This is a glazed pastry that has had the unfortunate luck of getting lung cancer. I will not recognize that as a legit donut.

Happy Donut Day Everyone!